Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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