good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
