FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
