And the cops told us we were all naked.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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