Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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