i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize