i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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