I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
