he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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