why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
