have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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