I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
