God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
