debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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