So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize