My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
