I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
