now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize