i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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