I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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