there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
