Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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