I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize