I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
