Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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