What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
