We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
