I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
