Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
