It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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