WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
we're making bets on your personal life
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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