apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
