OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
