he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
