I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
