It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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