I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
