Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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