Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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