what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I supernannyed him into submission
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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