In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize