I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
