I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We need to rekindle our bromance
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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