I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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