i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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