so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
