If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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