I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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