I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
