You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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