my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
