My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
