I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
