Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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