I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
