I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
