my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
