My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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