Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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