Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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